A call for a constitutional amendment to protect egg dyeing.
So, I was grocery shopping in Oakland the other day, and I must say that because, I’m sure what I’m about to discuss is illegal in Berkeley. Outlawed by some progressive city council referendum. If not, we, the slightly obtuse citizens of Berkeley, know better. You see, when I got to the dairy isle, I found displayed in a most centrist and insidious way, pre-boiled and pre-dyed Easter eggs. Safeway Lucerne brand packaged in a transparent container. --An enticement to the lazy.
I suppose somewhere, someone, looked at these and said, "Wow, how convenient!" and snapped them up. But, as I was walking home --And yes burbites, I do walk to the grocery store. In fact, I walk to another town quite often to go to that grocery store. Impressive? Yes, but less when you consider its only three hundred yards to Oakland and another two hundred to the Safeway. I don’t always walk to the Oakland Safeway, sometimes I just walk up the Claremont Star Grocer. They just recently restored their historic sign with community donations and they still have old fashion “key in the amount” cash registers and a gamey butcher shop in the back! One of the girls at the grocer swears I look like the Slider’s guy, Jerry O’ Connell. I don’t see it, and I’m not too comfortable with the fact I look like the fat kid from "Stand by Me." Anyway, what was I ranting about? Oh yeah, eggs. I saw Henry Rollins Sunday night after the egg incident and my brain is all over the place. Think of this entry much like my driving when I’m telling a story. (George Metcalf and Bob Goodman can fill you in on that behavior. We are apt to miss a freeway exit.) So, back to these eggs.
It occurred to me that pre-dyed and pre-boiled eggs could be a symptom of what is wrong in America nowadays. Talk about a threat to traditional values. I mean, if we have reached the point where Moms and Dads, kids or friends can’t sit and mix a little vinegar and food coloring, our society is going to Hell. Its not going to be a Hell we all want to be in either. Safeway (and probably several other chain grocery stores) are attempting in erode one of the time honored traditional American crafts. A craft, which like early scribbling in a coloring book, is the seat of creativity in children: the discovery of the primary colors through coffee cups of red, yellow and blue soured white wine. What could be more American than a colored sour whine?
But no, Safeway wants you to buy their pre-boiled, pre-dyed eggs whose designs are all pre-determined. Hell, the dyeing is probably outsourced to India. (Worse, machine generated) The labor cost savings allows the eggs to be air freighted in each day. (I noticed the dyed eggs were cheaper by the dozen than fresh ones. What the Hell?) Is this what we want, an America where children’s creativity and labor is outsourced? Do we want Easter to become the same cookie cutter color pre-determined Hell the rest of suburbia has become? A Hell where everyone gets wrapped in a transparent wrappers and cooks at a pre-determine 2200.6 degrees. No extra frying for special sins, no baking slowly for slouching. Everyone has to suffer exactly the same? Now that is Hell. (Course, sometimes I think as boring as Heaven sounds with the “No dogs allowed” clause, “they have no souls”, that’s Hell.)
You know, the egg is supposed to be the symbol of rebirth. (I wonder if that’s why rabbits lay them? Cause they are so fertile?) How did a rabbit come to symbolize the rebirth of Christ? Can rabbits go to Heaven? If an egg is fertilized, and its hard-boiled before it hatches, does the cooked baby chicken embryo go directly to Heaven or does it think its in Hell? (Buddhists would just claim it is suffering. –Yes no one is safe in this.)
I mean this whole egg and Jesus thing kind of makes sense. Jesus made sense too, “The Kingdom of Heaven is here, deal with it. Do something with it here and now” But how did we get to labor saving eggs? Maybe Satan is behind this whole store bought colored egg thing? Such things seem sinful in Berkeley. Satan is behind sin right? Maybe its just us humans, cause we are all sinners according to the President.
I think its time for the President to weigh in on this. A constitutional amendment banning the sin of pre-dyed eggs. Its to protect the institution of Easter, family unity, and all that or eggs, art, or something. Please Mr. President, weigh in. We’ve missed your wisdom over on important national issues over the last few days.
--Damn, I promised I’d stop bagging on him. I should have given that up for Lent. I’m a sinner. Apparently a fat one that looks like some obscure actor from an cable show I’ve never seen.
I suppose somewhere, someone, looked at these and said, "Wow, how convenient!" and snapped them up. But, as I was walking home --And yes burbites, I do walk to the grocery store. In fact, I walk to another town quite often to go to that grocery store. Impressive? Yes, but less when you consider its only three hundred yards to Oakland and another two hundred to the Safeway. I don’t always walk to the Oakland Safeway, sometimes I just walk up the Claremont Star Grocer. They just recently restored their historic sign with community donations and they still have old fashion “key in the amount” cash registers and a gamey butcher shop in the back! One of the girls at the grocer swears I look like the Slider’s guy, Jerry O’ Connell. I don’t see it, and I’m not too comfortable with the fact I look like the fat kid from "Stand by Me." Anyway, what was I ranting about? Oh yeah, eggs. I saw Henry Rollins Sunday night after the egg incident and my brain is all over the place. Think of this entry much like my driving when I’m telling a story. (George Metcalf and Bob Goodman can fill you in on that behavior. We are apt to miss a freeway exit.) So, back to these eggs.
It occurred to me that pre-dyed and pre-boiled eggs could be a symptom of what is wrong in America nowadays. Talk about a threat to traditional values. I mean, if we have reached the point where Moms and Dads, kids or friends can’t sit and mix a little vinegar and food coloring, our society is going to Hell. Its not going to be a Hell we all want to be in either. Safeway (and probably several other chain grocery stores) are attempting in erode one of the time honored traditional American crafts. A craft, which like early scribbling in a coloring book, is the seat of creativity in children: the discovery of the primary colors through coffee cups of red, yellow and blue soured white wine. What could be more American than a colored sour whine?
But no, Safeway wants you to buy their pre-boiled, pre-dyed eggs whose designs are all pre-determined. Hell, the dyeing is probably outsourced to India. (Worse, machine generated) The labor cost savings allows the eggs to be air freighted in each day. (I noticed the dyed eggs were cheaper by the dozen than fresh ones. What the Hell?) Is this what we want, an America where children’s creativity and labor is outsourced? Do we want Easter to become the same cookie cutter color pre-determined Hell the rest of suburbia has become? A Hell where everyone gets wrapped in a transparent wrappers and cooks at a pre-determine 2200.6 degrees. No extra frying for special sins, no baking slowly for slouching. Everyone has to suffer exactly the same? Now that is Hell. (Course, sometimes I think as boring as Heaven sounds with the “No dogs allowed” clause, “they have no souls”, that’s Hell.)
You know, the egg is supposed to be the symbol of rebirth. (I wonder if that’s why rabbits lay them? Cause they are so fertile?) How did a rabbit come to symbolize the rebirth of Christ? Can rabbits go to Heaven? If an egg is fertilized, and its hard-boiled before it hatches, does the cooked baby chicken embryo go directly to Heaven or does it think its in Hell? (Buddhists would just claim it is suffering. –Yes no one is safe in this.)
I mean this whole egg and Jesus thing kind of makes sense. Jesus made sense too, “The Kingdom of Heaven is here, deal with it. Do something with it here and now” But how did we get to labor saving eggs? Maybe Satan is behind this whole store bought colored egg thing? Such things seem sinful in Berkeley. Satan is behind sin right? Maybe its just us humans, cause we are all sinners according to the President.
I think its time for the President to weigh in on this. A constitutional amendment banning the sin of pre-dyed eggs. Its to protect the institution of Easter, family unity, and all that or eggs, art, or something. Please Mr. President, weigh in. We’ve missed your wisdom over on important national issues over the last few days.
--Damn, I promised I’d stop bagging on him. I should have given that up for Lent. I’m a sinner. Apparently a fat one that looks like some obscure actor from an cable show I’ve never seen.
posted by Stan at 9:18 PM
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