I'm pretty sure congress is gay

So the federal government finally repealed the don't ask don't tell law. It only took them 18 years. --And even at the last-minute, there were all these great protests. --And you know the old saying, he who protests too much, must be gay. I'm pretty convinced Congress is gay. Why? They love blowing the American people.

I'll give you an example. Have any of you driven down Interstate 15 in Utah lately? The federal government, has raised the speed limit to 80. For somebody who grew up, and learned to drive when the speed limit was 55, seeing a sign that says 80 miles an hour, is like seeing your first set of bare tits. That eight, sideways, even looks like tits, or hairy balls dangling, depending on your persuasion. There we were driving along, and we saw that eight out of the corner of our eye, and followed it with our heads, like we were 16 again.

I copped a feel at 80 and I started to wonder, what I could get away with? I creeped the cruise control up to 85. That felt good, and didn't hurt anybody. I went to 90. Oh yeah. I leaned back, eyes staring at the ceiling. "Just keep it up", I said.

That's when I caught the other sign out of the corner of my eye: "Experimental Zone Ending, Speed Limit 75." I was like, "What the fuck?" It was like I was back in high school again, and my girlfriend said, "Hey I was just trying this as an experiment. I don't like it." Well, I liked it. You don't throttle a man's engine like that and then cut him off. Congress is just a bunch of big gay cock teasers. To make matters worse, five miles down the road there was another 80 mile an hour sign. You guessed, I throttled up to 90, and put up with that shit. I'm like my next door neighbor's Great Dane (see previous post), lapping up government crap I know isn't good for me.

--And you are all there with me, a group of Great Danes licking Congress's ass. If we get a tax cut, we slurp it up. We just as dog gay as they are. Despite the fact Social Security is underfunded right now, and the federal government doesn't even collect enough taxes to pay for anything they do, Congress blew us again. Social Security went from 6.2 to 4.2%. What's that 50 bucks a paycheck? Oh that feels good! We're addicted to this shit. And next year, when they say, "Experimental Zone is over", I'm going to have my representatives head "Oh you are stopping now, sucker."

Today is my 50th birthday.

I was born at 12:14 January 12, 1961. My mom sent me card today, reminding me that while it was my birthday, she would remember 50 years ago at 12:14 Central as she did most of the work. Then she put a postscript on the back: "Your father got another dog."

I'm not quite sure how my mom's put up with my dad's dog habit for 52 years. Dad thinks he can't live without having a dog in the house. The meantime between a dog dying and my dad getting a new one is about three days. He always gets pure bred gun dogs, Weimaraners, German Shorthair Pointers, Spaniels. They all have a few things in common, they like to eat dead animals, the like to eat garbage and the like to play with, and eat, each other's shit. I mean, when I was a kid in Idaho, the dogs couldn't wait for the winter. Why? Shitsicles! They run on the backyard, grab a frozen shit, and come running back in mouthing it like a Cuban cigar.

What I don't get is, what's their fascination with other dog's shit. I mean they won't eat their own. But they'll go to the dog park and seek t shit out. Like it's a drug habit they can't break. I'm sure when my German Shorthair (yes, I have a shit eating dog too) runs up to other dogs and smells their ass, he's really asking: "Hey you know where I can get some good shit?"

The other dog turns around, smells his ass, and says, "Well your shit's good."
"Yeah, but I'm looking for something with a little aged flavor. You know a little crust, fermentation, maybe the hint of raspberry in the taste?

After watching dogs in the dog park, I've definitely decided not all of them like old shit. Every morning the Great Dane from next door bounds up to my dog, while he's a crouching and squeezing, and licks the shit right out of his ass. She likes it that fresh. It's got to be a drug.

The funny thing is, the Dane's owner, is a CEO of a company. My plan is if I ever get laid off from my day job, I'm going to work for the CEO. I mean, wouldn't you love to have a boss that if you get pissed off at, you could just say, "Hey your dog can lick the shit out of my dogs ass anytime," and your boss couldn't say shit.

Fund all government like fund Public Broadcasting.

With Congress being sworn in, a lot of new members are replacing single term representatives and claiming mandates from the electorate. Calls will be made to cut deficit spending and someone will suggest an end for federal funding of public broadcasting. PBS is a favorite target when "What is essential for government" gets debated. As a regular consumer of the public airwaves, I’m not worried about a funding loss. Member stations only get 5or 6 percent of their money from government. Challenged, listeners & sponsors who value public broadcasting will make up the difference. They handle the other 94 percent.

The PBS funding model got me thinking. What if all government programs were funded that way? Congress would appropriate five percent of a program and department heads would convince the American people to make up the difference. Imagine pledge campaigns where admirals & generals promise free courtesy flights in an F-22 strike fighter for contributors at the million dollar level. It’s not likely to happen, but public stations could teach the new Congress a couple budgeting lessons: first: spend only what you can convince your contributors to give each year and second offer programs people are willing to vote for with their own cash. A five percent funding model for the military or FAA isn’t practical, but if each tax payer filled out a form allocating their tax dollars or deciding when and what to take out loans for the government on, funding priorities would change.

Tax payer control isn’t realistic, but what's sensible is for the newly elected congress to ask some practical questions of constituents, not “What do you want,” (we want everything) rather, “Given the governments set amount of income, what do we spend it on?”

There is no magic to budget balancing. Businesses, families and public broadcasting do it every day. They set priorities, allocate funds and set aside savings accounts for unforeseen calamities. Congress members only have one mandate: to represent us. Sit down with your constituents, and maybe even your local public broadcaster and find out how they would solve budget problems. Then go capital floors and make your declarations. Do a good job and maybe we’ll keep you around more than one term.