Admission of Sins before Christmas

I was talking to my nephew the other day.
He informed me he wanted $100 for Christmas this year.
I asked him if he’d been good enough to deserve that much money.
He said he had.

His position is open to debate, depending on the source of opinion about his goodness, but he got me to thinking about some of the things I might have done that could be considered “bad” over the years. So, in effort to not deny myself the possibility of lumps of coal this year, I thought I’d fess up on a few.

1. I have put chicken stock in recipes I subsequently passed off as vegan. They recipients were smoking vegans so I figured they were hypocrites anyway. They asked me for the recipe.
2. I kept giving gum to a guy in tenth grade who had the habit of punching me in the hallway with brass knuckles. The gum was a laxative. He went to the doctor about his uncontrollable diarrhea.
3. In 9th grade I rebuilt a neighbor’s lawn mower engine. I forced a bolt with a hammer and cracked the crankcase on the motor. I fixed it with epoxy. It worked and sealed it. I never told the owner. But every time he mowed his lawn, I could see that crack.
4. In 1967, I ruined a tape recording my Grandmother and Grandfather were making on my Dad’s reel to reel tape recorder. In reality I didn’t. I was six. I danced around the room singing “Doody Doo, I’m dancing.” While my grandmother laid out on the couch singing “Bye Bye, Black Bird,” to the radio. My grandfather, tried to reason with me. He failed. My grandmother, remarked, “You know when this will be precious? After we are gone.” I doubt my Dad still has the tape.

So, now I’m sin free. I’m out watching the full moon, waiting for Santa to show up.
Tomorrow, if he smites me, I’m driving up to the new fallen snow and doing things with urethane composite materials strapped to my feet that Jesus never even thought of. But his contemporaries would consider a miracle. --Like, traveling two hundred miles and back in one day. The old guys in Israel needed angels for that.

I was on the annual Christmas hike today, and one of us wondered would happen if Jesus came back? I remarked, “Unfortunately he’d be a Palestinian and be deported.” We chuckled. Then I started thinking. “Oh jeese, what if he’s already come back. Maybe this is heaven on earth.” I mean I can hop to Tahoe and back pretty quick compared to the Israelites. I by all accounts should be deformed and pocked given all the diseases and injuries I’ve had and been cured of. By ancient Roman/Israelite standards, we do live in heaven. I know, that’s not good Christmas talk and all. Its suppose to be about peace on earth and whatnot.

In the mean time, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Avoiding the burrito stuffing

Alright, I’ve been listening off and on to the Presidential debates for six months now.
--More off, than on.

There are lots of issues being batted around. The debates seem more a game of shuttlecock between stuffy people in suits uncomfortable with the racket they chose.
The point, keep the cock afloat and don’t let it land on your side of the court. I’m waiting for the cock to land anywhere at this point. The political commentator’s aren’t helping the game much, spending hours admiring the passing cock and suggesting how they would play the game if they could bat a cock around.

So, I, in my humble writer’s garret, will take a bat at a couple of the cocks up in the air. First shuttlecock afloat: “Immigration.”

Summary of candidates batting back and forth:

By what method do we eject our own brand of infidels? (Mexican’s mostly.)

While we are designing Yankee infidel ejection weapons, what do we do with infidels we have given jobs to keep them busy? (Things like carpentry, gardening, and other basic jobs our Big Gulp soda drinking Doritos asses aren’t in good enough shape do anymore.)

--And finally, my favorite play, “Ew, Ew, I hire less Mexican’s than you!!!!”

My return bat:

Who are most of the illegal immigrants. Mexicans.
What states are they in mostly? Border states with Mexico.

Why is that? Well, for one thing, those states: Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and California were all once part of Mexico.

How did those states end up in the U.S? Enterprising Americans snuck across the border with Mexico and in two cases (Texas and California) started little rebellions to overthrow the government and basically steal the states from the Mexico. In Arizona and New Mexico our Federal Government started a war, over the fact the Mexican’s didn’t think we stole Texas fair and square, and we stole Arizona and New Mexico in the process. Except the nub of New Mexico and the bottom part of Arizona we paid for that. Though, even then, we kind of ripped-off Mexico by not paying the agreed amount.

If anyone should be mad at anyone, Mexican’s could be at us. Instead they just ignore the borders, and take the jobs Americans are too fat to take.

But that’s not really the issue. The issue is most Mexicans aren’t really. They’re the decedents of the Aztec’s and Mayans, the native North Americans. That group had never recognized European rights to land in North America. So why should they pay attention to our borders now?
The real problem is, we European decedents (show me an Asian or African descended person who gets publicly upset about immigration) are afraid the Native North Americans may have figured a way to get their continent back. They’ll just move in and absorb us by doing the things we are too lazy to do, like prepare our own food.

--And while we can’t stand that, and will not talk about as we drive our Hummers down to the burrito shop, what we are really afraid of is, one of these days they, the Native North Americans, will herd us all up and use us as corn fed cattle to be butchered, chopped and rendered for the burritos they eat. -That or they are going to take all our money at the casino tables.