Demo debate Feb 7 - debrief

After watching several of the democratic debates I think I have summed up the candidates in the following manner:

Elizabeth Warren – The disciplinarian. She’s like my 5^th grade teacher Mrs. Schmidt.  She wasn’t letting any one get to sixth grade without at least a 3^rd grade understanding of multiplication tables.  Dale Thorp, who wore Hefty Toughskins, and bullied half the class started the year not knowing much beyond what he could multiply on his fingers. I don’t remember all of Dale’s crimes.  Just his punishments. Schmidt would make him copy down the times tables like ten times or write out all the words twenty times he had misspelled on his papers that week. Somewhere in February that year, Dale recited the times tables in front of the class and won the weekly spelling bee. When congratulated by Schmidt, Dale just shifted feet and rolled his eyes.  “Well you did force me the write all that crap down a million times.”  That’s the thing about Warren, we know she’d be good for us, but most of America doesn’t want that much discipline.

Michael Bloomberg – The guy who did something for New York City.  Every ex-mayor of New York claims to have solved all of New York’s problems and is willing to do it for America. Anyone that’s been to NYC realizes that its pretty much not like the rest of America. Michael Bloomberg has a lot of money which he is willing to spend telling us what we already know, “Donald Trump and the Republican party would like to cancel Obamacare.” We also know about all the other stuff Trump is up too.  Its media blitzed at us 24x7 like a scene from Blade Runner. Go buy the Bears Ear’s area and turn it into a private reserve if you have that much money.

Tom Steyer – The pissed off nerdy rich guy.  We know he’s a billionaire, that likes to spend money on political ads that go on about?  We fall asleep halfway through.  He doesn’t like Donald Trump.  Never has, never will. Go buy the mineral rights to Grand Staircase-Escalante National monument and lock it away if you have that much money.

Joe Biden – Did he get a partial hair transplant? Looking at pictures from when he was younger, we think so. Maybe he and Trump have the same hair dresser.  Joe should have run four years ago, when the Republicans were so disorganized that Trump took them over. Giving Hillary her chance got us where we are today. To be honest she should have divorced Bill.

Andrew Yang – The fun guy. Wants to give everyone a free $1000 a month stipend. What else? Don’t know, the whole $1000 a month thing from Amazon is all we ever hear.  Oh, and he’s Asian, smart and rich. Note there are a lot of rich billionaires running for president this year.

Peter Buttigieg – The last name we have to look up to figure out how to spell or pronounce. He’s the smartest, poorest, youngest, least experienced most well-spoken candidate on the stage. Intellectuals hate him. I have started to read as many Tom Steyer ad style attack papers from fellow Harvard graduates this year than Tom Steyer has made political ads.  To the same end, my mind wanders somewhere after the first third. What are they going on about?  My professor friends are indignant with me for not attacking Mayor Pete. Catchy name ain’t it.

Bernie Sanders –Burrnie! The guy we wish had won the nomination last time.  The old man who waves his finger at everyone in meetings, and everyone knows he has a point.  If we could have just seen him take on Trump last time around.  He doesn’t have a husband with twenty ex floozy’s Trump could bring to a debate.  I could see Bernie waving his finger and saying, “Do you want me to bring all your whores to the show? No, you don’t, the arena isn’t big enough to seat them all.”

Amy Klobuchar – The woman who’s name you have to look up to spell. She’s from Minnesota. She’s not Warren, Bernie and she’s older than Pete. Nobody votes for her. Though she likes to remind everyone she beat Mayor Pete in state election in Indiana she didn’t run against Pete in or something.

Tulsi Gabbard – Hawaii, right?  Is she still in this?

Michael Bennet – Is he still alive?  When did his last album come out?

Deval Patrick - That is not a catchy name.